This past week I returned to the cornfields of Central IL to partake in that joyous rite of ripping the tassels out of cornstalks. If you don’t know what detasseling is…I just described it for you. Basically seed companies assemble large crews of junior high students, migrant workers, and Tedd to go into cornfields and walk up and down the rows ripping out the central tassel of the cornstalks.
Why would you do this? That’s actually an interesting questions: the short answer being that corn is sexy. There are both male and female kinds of corn, so our job is to rip out the tassels of the female stalks so that the male plants don’t fertilize them – which would eventually cause chaos and perhaps the destruction of Earth…or maybe just provide less seed corn for the Illiopolis area.
I did this for four summers when I was 16,17,19 and 20. Aside from the large collection of 13-16 year olds, there are actually a large group of college kids who come back and do it, basically because our boss is the coolest guy alive. He’s one of the teachers from my high school and maybe the most awesome boss ever – I have worked for good people, but no one even comes close to my detasseling boss.
So, working with a group of junior high students has obviously made for some awesome adventures. The first of which being…
The Jailbate Episode:
So keeping my streak of being attractive to people only ten years older or younger than myself, a girl on our crew cozied up to me. Yeah, she was 15. When I started the job I wanted to just be the aloof older douche who hangs out in the shadows and basically goes to work, works and leaves without really any interaction with anyone. The first few days of the job I basically only talked to our boss and the other college kids working. Well, about day 2 this girl and two of her friends were put in a row next to me and asked some questions. I was hoping that me telling a group of 15 year olds that I was an ancient 24 would repulse them enough to end any further conversation, but it only enticed them further.
When a 15 year old girl hears that you are 24 and spent a year teaching abroad she thinks:
“OMG! This guy is interesting and travels stuff! So totally fetch!”
When a 24 year old girl hears the same story she thinks:
“This deadbeat obviously couldn’t find work in the States; his inability to decided on a future makes him unsuitable for mating.”
Well, this girl started talking to me during breaks and stuff, which I didn’t think much about. I figured she just thought I was a cooler other brother figure. Day 3, however brought about the awkward hugging moments. I would walk out of the cornfield and she would run up to me and hug me. I would stand still and kind of say something awkward like, “What are you doing?” To which she would respond with “I love Tedd!”
Well, the other guys on the crew picked up on this and ate it up. I was constantly reminded of jailbate jail terms and reminded that I could almost be her father. To me the whole thing was funny and I didn’t think that it was a big deal. Well, at the end of day 3 she comes up to me and says, “Tedd, you’ve got a hole in your pants.” I laughed and then asked her if it was big. I didn’t forsee her answer to this question being her putting her fingers in the hole.
I kind of jumped back and set me alert level from “Funnily Awkward” to “Cause for Concern.” Luckily that was towards the end of the day and nothing else happened.
Today, however, was a giant disaster as, to be funny, my boss put me in the row next to her at the prodding of my college friends. One of these guys even went as far as to bring a sample bottle of cologne and spray me with it as I entered the field. So, I suck it up and figure nothing weird will happen as we walk down the field together.
Then the girl starts asking question alluding to the fact that she thought the guys were teasing me because I actually liked her…
“Why do they tease you about me…?”
“Because they’re dudes and they give people shit about stuff.”
“But why do they tease you about me?”
So this kind of continues down the field and then she says:
“I mean it’s not that big of an age difference. 9 years…” She kind of trailed off and I assume looked at me. She got no response as I was sprinting down the row at this point trying to get away. She picked up speed, however, and says, “Just kidding!” and laughs really loudly about it.
What? If I was 15 years old I would never have even talked to an old deadbeat like me. Much less given him the green light to pursue a relationship…JIGGA WHAT?
So over the course of the next hour the guys keep giving me shit and the girl keeps hearing it, and I think puts it together that when I said, “The guys just like giving me shit.” I actually meant, “The guys like giving me shit.”
The rest of the day kind of unraveled without incident. I had a conversation with a 14 year old boy about which superhero is the most powerful Spiderman or Batman. No conclusion was really drawn.
I actually lied…there weren’t a lot of stories, just the awkward, weird thing with the chick. But there are some great quotes from the week.
My Boss on Aging:
“Aging sucks guys. You know why I made the bus driver stop at the gas station? Because I had to take a giant shit. You know you’re getting old when a bowel movement is just as enjoyable as sex.”
College Buddy on the naming of fruits and vegetables:
“Yeah, see they were going to name all the fruits and vegetables after their colors. They got to an orange and said, ‘Yeah! That’s an orange!’ Then they came to the carrot…and said ‘shit.’”
My 14 year old buddy on me moving to Chicago:
“You have to be careful moving to Chicago, Tedd. I don’t want you to get raped or murdered or robbed up there. But wait…isn’t Batman from Chicago? He can protect you from the rapists…that is unless he’s a rapist and then everyone’s in trouble.”
As we took the half hour bus trip home today I was surprised to feel myself feeling sad about leaving the crew. I had made some new friends, hung out with some of my old detasseling buddies, been mocked mercilessly for an apparent seduction of a minor, remembered old stories and spent 6-9 hours a day wondering up and down cornfields in 80 degree heat. The girl and I settled things outside the bus. She gave me a hug…to which I responded with an awkward back pat and wished her luck with her sheep showings at the State Fiar. I also promised my 14 year old buddy that we could hang if he came up to Chicago.
Is detasseling a job for 14 year olds? Yes. Is it still incredibly awesome? Absolutely.
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