So as a part of New Years, my friends in Korea are starting this “I’ve turned into a gelatinous piece of crap and I’m going to head back to the gym” resolution scheme. Last summer we had a similar pact/resolution and attacked it by creating the first ever Bralympics. If you don’t know what a Bra is then you should just head to the beach in California or go out for a night in Miami. Webster defines it as:
Bra (also bruh or brauh): a male who is intensely into partying, his physique and breasts. [see also: douchebag]
We decided that truly meet our physical potentials at the gym, we would have to fully put on the persona of the bra – buying protein powder, buying small shirts and wifebeaters, and constantly talking crap to each other. Our female co-worker was thrilled.
The Bralympics operated on a point system created by my other two friends Lucci and Chris. You basically got 4 pts for a weight workout, 40 minutes of cardio or a taekwondo lesson. 2 pts were awarded for 20 minutes of cardio or ab sessions. Each event lasted two weeks and then the points were tallied. The first and second place people faced no punishment, but the 3rd place Bra had to buy himself a vodka cruiser (a drink that came in hot pink, or electric blue) while the other bras drank beer. There was also a clause in the original Brastitution that the losing bra would have to wear the Vodka Cruiser bottle around his neck [see: “Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner”] to show his physical weakness to the world. This clause was repealed, however, in the 4th meeting of the Bra Congress (June 22nd, 2008).
The results of this scheme were mixed. Lucci would simply destroy himself physically the last 4 days of every 2 week cycle. He would go from having about 10 pts to 90 by doing a taekwondo lesson, a weight session and a 40 minute run everyday for 4 days. Chris had a similar approach to the Bralympics, only he would do one day of 2 weighlifting sessions and then just announce his defeat. I actually did pretty well through the whole thing. I took the approach of staggering my workouts throughout the two weeks. As a result I gained about 10 lbs and looked like a stud for about a week and a half.
Now Lucci wants to kick off the Bralympics again in the New Year (I guess this would be the winter Bralympics…). Since I am not in Korea he proposed we blog about our results and talk crap to each other on the blog message board. My guess is this thing lasts about 1 week, but we’ll see how it goes. If anything I’ll use the blog to write stupid things that happen to me in the gym. If you want to donate to my cause [read: help me buy steroids] you can visit teddisacheatingbra.org. I take Discover.
I actually didn’t realize how far I have fallen off the physique tree until I went to the gym today. The guy who signed me up was basically a clone of myself (read: tall, awkward and goofy). We were getting along pretty well through his tour of the facilities until we got to the weight machines. Then he’s like: “Yeah, these machines are awesome because when you have little guys like us, you can still put on a lot of weight and make yourself look cool.”
I was like, “Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, Tedd Clone. You realize you’re talking to the Notre Dame Varsity Men’s Rower of the Year 2007.” I thought perhaps he had some visual distortion problem due to a terminal illness and just didn’t realize how massive and muscular I actually was.
Then I changed into my workout clothes and saw myself in the mirror. I actually laughed out loud. I was wearing a Raymond Poe shirt and looked like a stiff breeze would have simply blown me out of the weight room. The guy next to me was literally three times my width and curling an entire rack of weights. Hmmm… As my training session went on, meathead after meathead started parading through the gym. I was self-conscious for a second, realizing why I was carded for a 17+ video game the previous day when I just laughed it off. I picked up the 10 lb dumbbells and started curling next to this big guy. I have to represent for all of us ‘little guys’ who have to fight for our way in the gym.
It also astonished me that weight rooms everywhere have the same cast of stock characters; in college, in Korea, and now in a real gym, you see the same types everywhere. A brief list:
Papa Pump: This is the old guy who looks like he used to be in shape circa 1984. His pecs, however have developed into large man boobs. Favorite activities include standing around aimlessly near the free weight section and grunting loudly while doing his 5 reps of weight that is way too high.
Underarmor Overcompensator: This is the guy who has a good build and thinks it’s cool to accentuate by wearing skin tight underarmor. The effect is that he resembles a kind of bulky gingerbread man that has very limited movement of his limbs. Favorite activities include strutting aimlessly around the entire gym trying to get attention, and howling while pounding out his 3 pull-ups.
Skankasaurus: This weight room predator is the female equivalent of Underarmor. She wears skin tight pants and a tube top that accentuates certain chest assets. Favorite activities include sitting aimlessly on ab machines and finding treadmills next to buff guys to run on.
Grandma Moses: My favorite of the weight room crew, this old lady doesn’t give a crap about anyone or anything. Most often she wears floral print sweatshirts and the purple leotards. Favorite activities include, rambling through they gym trying out different cardio machines for 5 minute segments and patting herself with the towel that is permanently attached to her neck.
I have yet to go to a gym where these characters are not present. It’s kind of nice having them there though, or at least looking for them while you’re running on the treadmill.
We’ll see how I do in the Bralympics. My guess is I still beat Lucci and Chris…mostly because it’s Lucci and Chris. But you never know. Maybe someday I can strive enough to be an Underarmor Overcompensator.
…or maybe just a Grandma Moses.
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