The Recital

I actually had a request for an update… It’s lucky I did a lot of really random, dumb things this weekend to make it worthwhile (This is long for which I apologize). 

Our group of friends in Korea is really laid back. I’m a pretty uptight person who likes to have a plan and execute that plan. This weekend we were all planning to go to Seoul and hang out Saturday, go out with our friend Saturday night, and then go to a piano concert on Sunday. That was Tuesday. By Thursday two of my friends weren’t going, my other friend didn’t know what she was doing and I was at a crossroads – do I do something independently? Or do I stick with the rest of the crew and hang out in my room in Cheongju on Saturday just like I do everyday? I refer to this behavior as the Cheongju Quagmire, when I just waste all day looking up websites or watching movies. On some occasions I sleep til noon and then go to the gym for 20 minutes, then come home and take a nap. The day is just made to be wasted so that we can be rested to go out and have fun on Saturday night.


To give a little bit of background information, I’m really bad at traveling by myself. I spent a day in Paris alone and ended up being stranded under a gazebo in a park in the rain for two hours, almost kicked out of a grocery store because they thought I was trying to steal something, and almost missed my bus to get to the airport. Ever since that day I’ve been reticent to do anything solo in terms of traveling.
This weekend, for whatever reason, I was brazen. I was bold. I was going to attack Seoul like a rabid bear – see the sights, visit restaurants, do some shopping, go to a movie, go to a palace, an art museum. I was going to do it! I made my decision and was pretty excited about it. So excited that after 4 hours of sleep on Friday night I jumped out of bed and got ready to go.


Being anal and planny, I had a list of things to see in Seoul, and I was pretty ambitious. The day started with being stuck in traffic on the way to Seoul, getting in an hour late, and then sitting on a subway for 40 minutes to get to my first Tourist sight of the day. I wasn’t bummed though, I was still pumped. I had on my fifteen pound backpack and was ready to do it. The subway came to stop and I jumped off, ran up the stairs and got ready to go. 


First stop: Buddhist Temple. I have this romanticized ideal of temples because all the video games I play have like these huge temples with all these booby traps and zombie warriors and all kinds of cool stuff.. I didn’t expect in zombies, but I was hoping for boobies...traps. So I get off the subway and somehow manage to start walking in the right direction with the help of my trusty guidebook. The temple was supposed to be one of the biggest in Seoul, so I was hoping for big things. I was disappointed to find that the Buddhist temple was kind of a little shack in the middle of this gravel pit. It was swarming with people and the people kept stopping sporadically and bowing to random things. I was stuck behind this one man who bowed at everything, the temple, a tree, he turned around at one point and bowed toward me – I had no idea what was going on. It took me almost five seconds before my Lame-dar went off and I decided to head out. As I turned around I did see a giant golden Buddha inside the temple that was pretty cool. There were people swarming the place though, so I decided to bail and head to destination number 2.


Insadong Markets. These markets are some of the more famous in Seoul – it’s a big main street that is lined with shops selling lots of worthless Korean crap, like paper, toys, swords and other things that break after two or three uses. I was hoping to find some gifts for my family at this point, so I was perusing the shops and keeping an eye out for sentimental somethings. It’s important to point out that the markets were wicked crowded and Korean shops aren’t really built for lots of people, much less a tall, albinos carrying massive backpacks. Many a shop I went into I was smacking into people, or turning sideways because they only build the aisles big enough so that two people who weigh forty pounds can pass each other comfortably. It was at shop number 3 that I went into and saw a perfect present for one of my grandmothers. I picked it up and mentally calculated the cost to be about five bucks – having heard that it was appropriate to barter, I was ready to put on my poker face and go to work. I walk up to this old man and show him my treasure. He looks at it and goes “10 dollars.” I urbanely lifted my aviators and looked him in the eyes. “How about 8,” I say with a hearty “I know how this racket works” chortle. He looks at me and goes, “No, it’s 10.” I kind of get flustered because I had never bartered before and just go “Okay.” And give him 10. He takes it and like pushes me out the door (after I smacked four people with my bag and almost knocked an old lady over.) I get out in the street and look at the thing I have in my hand, realize I had gotten screwed and decide that it’s time for destination number 3.


Seoul Art Museum. I made my way to the Seoul Art Museum passing a parade of old ladies wearing pointy hats that said NO or STOP in big letters and then said something in Korean letters. I assumed that people had finally gotten sick of their national food being pickled cabbage and were starting a nationwide protest. Halfway along the parade route I see a line that’s snaking down the sidewalk. It looks massive. After some confusion with one of the security guards, I find that it’s the line for the art museum – there’s a Van Gogh exhibition and I guess people are pretty excited about it. I get a ticket and then proceed to wait in line for an entire hour. I get to the first room of the exhibition and notice that everything is only in Korean, makes sense, but it also meant I had no idea what was going. There was also a line snaking through all four galleries that the paintings were in. A line 3 people deep and slowly moving. It was at this point that I used my height and just kind of sped through each gallery looking over all the smaller Koreans and taking in Van Gogh at a breakneck pace. As I looked at painting after painting I realized that I have no understanding of art. I thought they were just as pleasing as the painting that hangs in my grandma’s living room that she paid 5 bucks for at Wal Mart. I also develop the thought that Van Gogh was kind of overrated. I also thought that maybe I was missing how profound these pieces were because the huge descriptions beside them were all in a foreign language. I made it through three galleries before I finally saw some paintings that were pretty cool. They were really colorful and had big clumps of paint on them. I shot through to the end and entered the gift shop which more resembled a mosh pit at a heavy metal concert. I tried to fight my way to a postcard but decided that I enjoyed having all my limbs as opposed to a postcard of a painting that at most I would describe as “Eh.” I fumbled outside the museum and looked at my watch: It taken me 20 minutes to appreciate one of the greatest artists that ever lived. Time for Stop 4.
Dongdaemun markets. It was at Stop 4 that I decide that I really don’t want a stop 4. I want to go back and rest my feet, eat a big American McDonald’s Cheeseburger and see a movie. 


By this point my friend Haley had gotten in to town. She had decided to come in the day before the concert and do some shopping. I also heard from our friend Shawn who lives in Seoul and actually had the night free so he wanted to hang out. The rest of the day was pretty solid as we all got together and I didn’t decide to do anything culturally stimulating. We went to TGI Friday’s for dinner and then went to some bars in Gangnam. The night ended with Shawn beating me 38-6 at Madden football. Pretty bad, but it must be said my only 6 points were scored on a 97 yard kickoff return. That has to be worth something.


Sunday was a pretty laidback day. My friend Chris came in for the piano conert, so we went to another Buddhist Temple that was actually much more templish than the Buddha shack I had seen the previous day. I was supposed to meet Chris at Burger King, and as I sat eating my double cheeseburger, an old Korean man followed by four students (2 boys and 2 girls) in uniform comes up to me and says pointing the students, “They will sit with you.” The kids proceed to pull up chairs and sit at my table. I was a little reserved at first until two of the girls commented on how handsome I was. I immediately agreed and was glad we had the common ground to discuss how handsome I really was. One of the boys also said I was handsome, which was met with a look of disapproval by the other boy at the table. He looked at him with this look that said, “not cool man. Not cool at all.” After Chris showed up and the girls commented on how handsome he was, they left and we got ready to go to the concert.


Oh, the concert. Oh, the concert. To be fair it was a really good piano recital. The Seoul Arts Center (lovingly referred to as the SAC) is this really awesome complex with like 4 or 5 buildings dedicated to music, theater and different stuff. We were all really underdressed for the occasion, with men and little kids running around in suits and Chris and I sporting a sweatshirt and zip up fleece respectively. The first three performers at the recital were good. They played “Rhapsody in Blue” and some other classical pieces. It was set up so that two performers played each piece together. It was mostly women, actually, in these elaborate evening gown. Everything was going smoothly and artistically until the last performance.


The stage door opened open and these two ladies came onto the stage. Now, in Korea, there aren’t a lot of women who are well-endowed. Occasionally there are some, but they aren’t known to flaunt their gifts in front of others. One of the ladies who came out was, well-endowed and was wearing a low cut that dress that said, “Hey! I’m well endowed.” They took their seats (along with their page turners) and start to play. It was, perhaps, about 2 minutes into the song that I notice her well-endowments were keeping good time with the music, bouncing and moving with the rhythm. I kind of chuckle to myself, but don’t think much of it. I don’t think much until about 1 more minute in when the lady takes a massive, sniffing breath, like you could feel the oxygen level in the room drop because she was taking in so much air. At this point a second, slower, more intense movement of the piece is also beginning – I know I was supposed to feel more intense because the lady’s face was contorted in to this thuggish sneer that had her forehead furrowed and her lips pursed up like she was about to yell a stream of obscenities. I was digesting all of this at the time she chooses to make another immense SNIIIIIFFFFFFF!!! And start playing more quickly. At this point I let out a little chuckle and immediately bite my lip. Haley is really into classical music and I didn’t want to be the guy who ruined the evening because one of the musicians breathes heavily and has a genetic predisposition for jiggling. It was one sniff later that I saw that a group of middle school boys in front of me were all giggling and putting their heads between their legs to keep from exploding. I also noticed that more middle school students behind me were being ornery and making sniffing noises. At this point my lip might have been bleeding. It was also at this point that Haley looked over at me and I could tell she was laughing too. It was at that point that I started convulsing I was trying to hold in my laughter so much. I pulled it together in time to stop a complete mirthful explosion, when she lets out another loud SNIIIIIFFFF!!! This old woman down to my immediate left rears back her head and starts shaking. She and the lady next to her start leaning into each other because they’re trying to hold in their laughter. One of them even takes off her glasses and starts wiping her eyes because she’s crying. SNIIFFFFF!!! I’m staring at the floor and biting really hard on my cheek. At this point I can’t even look at the lady because I’m sure I’m going to let out the loudest guffaw of my entire life. I just keep staring into space and biting, tears were forming on the edges of my eyes because I was holding it in so much. It was at this point that the two ladies playing get to the end of their books. I breathe a sigh of relief, let up on my cheek and then cringe as the page turners take out a second book of music to put in front of the players. Once again I stare at the floor and bite my lip. The song continues to go on, my lip bleeding and everyone in the audience fighting to keep from laughing. It was heading into the final movement that she lets out one more last, dramatic, gargantuan, regal, jiggly, out of this world SNIIIIIIIFFFFFF!!!! I lean my head into my chest and start convulsing again, and it was with huge breath of relief when the two women stop and get up to take their bow. I clap, we get our bags, we exit the auditorium. Chris only says one thing about the final SNIFF and I lose it. I lean over and can’t stop laughing (for those of you who know me, the one that turns into a cackly machine gun). I laugh so hard I’m crying and all these people leaving the auditorium probably wonder what is wrong with me. Haley and Chris are both losing it too, and we’re all making sniffing noises and trying to twist our faces into the expressions the lady had shown during the recital. We did finally make it on the bus and then home, but I don’t know if I’ll ever forget that lady on the piano.
Now that was a performance.