Lately I have been touring the Starbucks in the Lakeview area. I don’t like to go to the same one, so I’ll mix it up some days even go to Caribou when I feel dangerous. I only go because I have this literature class and have to read three massive books (*fist shake* Proust!!); they’re boring as all fishsticks, so I need caffeine to keep me up. Most nights I’m also there reading from 10-12 or later, so the coffee is much needed.
Well, the other day I was talking to my friend and he talked about how he went to the same Starbucks I went to on Halsted and Belmont.
“Yeah,” he said, “I get talked to all the time. People are really friendly.”
“Huh,” I said. “No one ever talks to me.”
“Yeah…” He kind of looked at me for a minute and then goes, “that’s because you look like an arrogant prick.”
I thought about this for a moment and wondered…is it true? But upon reflection I don’t know if I come off as an arrogant prick. Dumb? Evidently. Naïve? Definitely. But arrogant? Hmmm… Let’s look at this on a case by case basis:
Cases #1-3: Grad School
In my grad school classes there’s this thing where no one expects me to be very intelligent. In my first literature class my professor thought I was a giant idiot. I did say pertinent things in class, but I don’t think he ever got over the fact that I look like I’m 17 and in grad school. There was one day where I said something that didn’t come out right and he guffawed and looked around the classroom like, “This is what happens when you let children take grad school classes.”
It wasn’t just that class though, in my video essay class that I’ve talked about earlier (the one where my professor didn’t care for me.) the first day of class we all had to submit commentary on an article we read. There were only two of us guys in the class. The other guy looked older than me and had smart-person glasses. The professor actually chose my article commentary to discuss in class because he thought I made good points. The thing was, the name on the paper was Tedd and he didn’t know all the students in class. So he immediately turned to the guy who looks a little older than me with glasses and goes “Tedd, do you want to read your commentary.” The guy was like, “I’m not Tedd.” Then the professor awkwardly looked at me and goes, “Oh.” But it wasn’t an apologetic “Oh” or anything – it was a “Seriously?!” Oh.
The final case is in my current literature class. My professor was talking about how differences in class are manifested in our current society. He brought up the fact that the yuppies, and upper-middle class people in our society go to the gym and don’t eat unhealthy foods. The observation in itself would be fine, but while the professor was talking about he looked directly at me as if to say, “Like this douchebag. You know when you eat that high carb meal he is judging the shit out of you.” It was all in good humor, but I felt super-duper awkward. I almost stood up in class and was like, “I’m really not a douche. I mean…well…Maybe I am.”
Case #4
Lately I’ve also heard stories from my past where people have told me that I looked “intense” or “hard to talk to” when they first met me. One guy at work came up to me to ask if I wanted to hang out with some people on a Friday night and acted like I was going to beat him for asking. Which…I did. ‘Cuz you I don’t like people making plans for me.
Counter-Points
This whole thing is rather perplexing as when people get to know me they generally talk about what a pushover I am. I was talking to a manager at work and mentioned that my legs were sore from lifting weights and she laughed out loud. She was like, “Oh, Tedd. I bet you go in and lift your little weights.”
These observations are also in direct opposition to commentary that I appear to be a 12 year old choir boy. On many occasions people think I go to church before I actually say I go to church, which is interesting… One time people were talking about drinking at work and someone was like, “Oh, Tedd. Have you ever had a beer?” I laughed because I have had many beers. (I actually have had enough beers to chart my beer-life enjoyment, and find there is a lot of correlation. I also have found that my enjoyment of beer is inversely proportional to its cost. Game Day Ice? Don’t mind if I do.) And when I said this people just looked at me like I was joking and that when I have free time I sing to my small animal friends and read excerpts from books without curse words or sex in them.
There was also one manager at work who refused to believe I didn’t attend the Moody Bible Institute. My first couple months at work I was asked 40 times whether I went there. “Oh, Tedd, you go to Moody Bible Institute.”
“No. I don’t.”
“It’s a great school.”
“I’m sure it is…but I don’t go there.”
“What are you studying?”
“I don’t go to Moody.”
“Yeah, that’s interesting.”
So… I evidently project quite the interesting, contradictory, badass-prick-yet-majorly-religious-pussy-d
Shock Top!
I was working at Nana and I went up to ring some people out. Standing in front of me was Aaron Shock, my rep from Congress. For some reason I got nervous. I was like, “OMG, he’s famous!” So I kind of awkwardly look at him. He actually wasn’t checking out, it was his friend.
I’m going to stop there because the friend of Aaron Shock deserves special recognition. This guy looked like your archetypal douchebag. When I say archetypal, I refer back to this guy named Jon who helped coach my college rowing team. Of ultimate importance to this ultimate example of douchebagness is wavy hair. I don’t know how they all do it, but the hair is wavy and unkempt, it’s like the hair is saying: “Yes. I am rich, but I’m not cutting my hair to appear rugged. But not too rugged! God, no! Look at the waves that roll in here! They show that I’m stylish-yet-rugged-yet-rich-but-kind-of-l
So anyway, I rang out the douchebag and then was like, “Hey. Are you Aaron Shock?” He looked at me really weird. He’s like “Yeah…” I don’t know what he thought I wanted, but all I said was, “I voted for you.”
Politicians are magical. They are like dragon fairies – say the wrong thing and they blow fire, but pet them, love them and vote for them and they will be your bestie forever.
Aaron Shock was all of a sudden my greatest friend.
“Hey! Awesome! What are you doing in Chicago?! Northwestern! That’s a great school! Great! What are you studying? Writing! Cool! Speech writing?! Hahahahahahaha! Ha. See ya, buddy! Take care!”
The conversation ended and I was like “That Aaron Shock is a great guy!” But then I meditated on it and was like “Damn it! That’s what politicians do! I got Washingtoned!” I don’t like politicians or any policies of the past 2 presidencies, but…you’re so nice, Congressman Shock… Maybe you aren’t part of the malignant evil that flows from the capital of our country like a river of darkness.
…Or are you?
The 646
I moved in with two of my friends to a new apartment this weekend. Everything went pretty well, but the first day we moved in there were some major…toilet troubles. We didn’t have a plunger or anything yet, so we went to Target to get the requisite supplies. I have never had trouble clearing a toilet, so I thought my roommate wouldn’t have a problem taking care of everything. Well, there was much plunging and nothing happened. The toilet actually filled with more water that resembled the color of diluted chocolate milk.
We don’t have internet yet, so we went to another of my friend’s houses to watch TV and tap into the world wide web. My roomie looked up more ways to clear a toilet and came up with some…interesting solutions. As we walked back from my friend’s house he stopped at all the newspaper boxes that offered free publications. He kept digging out the scraps of papers left and had soon assembled quite the collection.
“What are those for,” I asked.
“For the toilet,” he said. “I have to spread them around the base.”
“Oh.”
“If plunging harder doesn’t work they say to get a hanger and shove it –”
“Uhhh… I’m good. Just let me know when it’s clear.”
Actually I laughed really hard when he told me the process for unclogging. So much so that I taped part of the process and hope to someday show it to his children when they ask me about the grand achievements of their father.
“Yes, children. Come see how your father laid down a douce so GRAND that it couldn’t be flushed by a mere plunger. Behold his usage of the coat hanger!”
The Biebs-B-Q
Last weekend my roommates and I hosted our semi-annual Justin Bieber themed event. It was just going to be a party, but then I thought of the play on words above (“It’s a Biebs-B-Q…Get it!) so I arbitrarily made it a cookout. It was a lot of fun and led to the quote that might be my favorite ever:
“Tedd! Get in the living room quick! The dance party is dying!”
It also marked the greatest beer pong series I have ever participated in. My friend, who I chose to call the Flannel Dragon due to his attire, and I knocked out six teams before everyone got tired of us and our table was moved to make way for a dance floor. I don’t expect to ever have that kind of success recur again, but it was awesome and I will tell all my future progeny about that success.
Random Notes:
1. I hate how much I love Katy Perry.
2. I also hate that she spells her name K-A-T-Y.
3. Proust is now over. I hate that guy so much.
4. You, Me and Everyone We Know is awesome and I will see them in concert Thursday.
5. I took a poll at the BBQ and everyone thought I should keep growing my hair out.
6. I have recently discovered the Candy Blast Chips Ahoy are of equal greatness to my former favorite cookie: Rainbow Chips Deluxe.
7. My new neighbors in my building are 18 years old. I officially know what it feels like to feel old.
8. I now refer to high fives as “Pancakes” due to confusion over an invitation to IHOP.
9. I sometimes think about random James Joyce quotes while I walk around.
10. True Blood is awesome.
The End.
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