So if you don’t know I’m back in the States. After six weeks of abuse from children and blowing every cent I thought I’d save in Korea, I’m back Stateside. You can see where I’ve been by the giant trail of Stupid I’ve been leaving behind me.
This past February my friends and I decided to plan a trip to LA and Las Vegas to see friends and party like rock stars. It wouldn’t be an overstatement to say I’ve been looking forward to it every day since we booked the plane tickets. I could only imagine the opportunities to be dumb that a city like Las Vegas could offer. It’s a whole city built on the idea that if you give people freedom to do stupid things, they’ll do it – and how! And I am one of those stupid people.
We got into LA and were picked up by one of my awesome friends who was nice enough to drag our butts around LA for the day. We hit up some sites like a bar called the Kingsheade and a bar called The Big Foot Lodge. We did other stuff too like play on the equipment on Muscle Beach. While some dudes were pumping out reps and making their muscle bulge my buddy and I were swinging on the ring sets and jumping of the swing set they have close to the gym equipment. [Side note of self-glorification: I almost made it the whole way across the ring swing thing. Almost.] That night I met some of my other friends at The Big Foot Lodge. Before it was made famous in Yes, Man, it was our hangout while I was living in LA. [See the appendix on Tedd’s Life titled “Random Things I Did Trying to Figure My Life Out”]. This bar is full of state park decorations and has pretty awesome ambience. It’s a pseudo-dive but it’s all-awesomeness. Special memories from the Bigfoot include the time a creepy film hipster showed us a silent black and white movie directed by the woman who played Fran Drescher’s Mom in the TV show “The Nanny.” Not only that but they have PBR ON TAP! [A side note on PBR: I actually really liked the stuff until I found out it’s a reverse status symbol for hipsters out West… (i.e. “I’m such a man of the people I’ll drink PBR.”) WTF? Quit trying to take things from my lame life and make them cool!]
After the Bigfoot we headed back to my friends place to hang out and get ready for the next day, which included a trip to Garry Marshall’s office and lunch at Big Boy’s. My friend out West actually works for Garry Marshall so we got to see his private office and theater…it wasn’t that interesting. The funniest thing in the whole thing was a random picture in the theater that had Garry Marshall and Pink(!) together. So random… That same day we also went to Hollywood and saw the Chinese Theater and ate at California Pizza Kitchen (they have badass Tiramisu!!). Along the main strip they have all these people dressed up like famous characters. By far the best was Big Bird, not at all because I like Big Bird, but because this Big Bird’s costume hadn’t been washed since the US was a British colony. This looked like Big Bird after he went on a bender with Oscar the Grouch.
That night I went to a Mexican place for my friend’s bday. It was pretty fantastic. I was getting pretty tired halfway through the meal and everyone kept asking me what my deal was. I felt bad, but after a solid LA day and just getting back from Korea my spirits were drained. They were immediately lifted, however, when one friend suggested we go to a bar where you can play beer pong. We got there to find that not only was there no available beer pong, but Thursday nights were also Really Awful White People Karaoke Night. Some of it wasn’t bad, but the straw that broke our drunken camel’s back was a guy getting up and singing all of Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know?” in falsetto…yiiiikkkkeeessss…. The night was finished at my friends’ house playing real beer pong and watching Paris Hilton’s “My New BFF”: no doubt one of the greatest symbols of our civilization’s greatness.
The next day was our arrival in Dirty Vegas…
(I’m stealing the following format from my friend CDawg because it’s just so awesome.)
Vegas FAQs:
Did you carry two cases of Keystone through the lobby of your hotel?
Yes, while wearing aviators and being mocked by everyone around me. “Guess I know which direction the liquor store is! Har har!”
Did you at one point take of your dress shirt at the club and wear it as a scarf?
Hecks yes! It’s going to be the next big fashion thing!
Did you and your friend march down the Vegas Strip yelling at everyone to attend Pete Wentz’s birthday at a nightclub; going so far as to make a chant up that you sang for six blocks that went something like, “Pete Wentz’s Berfday…at. The. Bank!”?
No…
Was your wardrobe of choice on Saturday Hawaiian shorts, a Charlie Brown Christmas T-shirt and argyle socks?
Most definitely.
Was it one of the most awesomely stupid experiences of your life?
Undoubtedly yes.
I can’t even describe how much fun we had over the weekend. At times I think about it and feel guilty for laughing so much and having such a good time…but then I don’t.
Saturday night was by far the craziest. My friend “Bumbles” (names have been changed to protect the awesome) and I should not be allowed to party together. It’s the equivalent to taking a Mentos and popping it into a Diet Coke – instead of getting fizz, however, you get a whole spray of bad decisions and idiocy. After everyone else in our group was going home we decided to hit up one last club together – we jumped in, rocked out to “All the Single Ladies” and then left to meet our other friends at Denny’s.
At Denny’s it was discovered that one of my friends who was separated from us had turned off her cell phone. This led to an avalanche of voicemails. Some excerpts below:
Tedd: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Click. End of Message.
Bumbles: I love the love that we are having in Vegas. I love how much love that we love while loving the love we have with the love. Click. End of Message.
Text message highlights include:
1. V sluts
2. Bumbles water is SOOOO good! I like cookies!
3. Bang the bangs!
There are others which can’t be shared here… They’re that awesome.
Sunday we staggered to our car and drove back to LA for a night of reminiscing and laughing so hard that we cried.
Overall I think my thoughts on the whole weekend are summed up by an exchange we had driving down Hollywood Blvd. the night after we got back.
[A man walks by the car eating ice cream.]
Tedd: Nice ice cream, douchebag!
Friend: Come on, Tedd. What would you say if you were eating ice cream and some guy just yelled at you?
Tedd: What do you think I’d say? I’d say “Dolla, dolla BILLS YA’LL!”
[An awkward silence ensues.]
Friend 2: Tedd, that doesn’t even make sense.
Tedd: …I know. I have no idea why I said that.
So that’s it. My thoughts on Vegas:
DOLLA, DOLLA BILLS YA’LL!!
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