That’s right my life is now so exciting it requires episodes…or maybe so lame that one event can’t actually sustain a normal blog entry. Either way five people will read this, so there you go.
Episode V: In Which Tedd tries to get a job and is rejected by mid-quality men’s casual ware
So I’ve been pretty lucky when it comes to jobs. I say lucky because if I have to interview for anything there is a 99.9% guarantee it will go to someone else who isn’t a blathering idiot. So lucky just means I usually get jobs based on word of mouth or my previous reputation rather than what I actually look like in front of someone else. I was reminded of this immediately upon getting home and starting to look for jobs.
I just relocated to the St. Louis area and have been actively searching out jobs that don’t have me peddling mid-priced merchandise. I was basically looking into becoming a sales person of some kind. This has basically had me heavily in the insurance industry which I have found is rife with scam artists. I set up an interview with one company which I should have known was bad because they allowed me through the phone screen. Here is an excerpt:
Interviewer: So what are you doing now?
Me: I have a part time job with a kid’s youth group.
Interviewer: Are you still in school?
Me: No, I’m going back next fall.
[This is the point where any good company would be like – “This kid doesn’t want a career! He just wants to make money! He will be insulting the name of our good company that consists of no workers who even think about their monetary compensation, but are driven by their pure devotion to our providing insurance services to random clients that we harass endlessly!”...or something like that… Instead however this interviewer responds with: ]
Interviewer: [Pause] Wait, you still want a job right?
Me: Yeah.
Interviewer: Well, I think you’re exactly what we’re looking for.
So…basically what they are saying is that they will take anyone who is willing to work…evidently that’s what makes me qualified.
I found out later with research that this company just recruiters desperate kids out of college and makes them go through this training process that they have to pay for. Then you peddle insurance door to door… It sounded awesome, but I called and cancelled the personal interview. Since that time I have gotten emails from a bunch of these places and haven’t even called the numbers they give because they all pretty much do the same thing.
Anyway, prior to the insurance debacle I had a couple other interviews that went just as well.
To be fair, however, they were phone interviews which is an immediate check in the negative category for my particular character type. I hate telephones and have since I was younger. Mostly because I don’t really have a good phone voice and have been mistaken for my mother more than should be allowable for someone born with testicles. That has pretty much scarred me from the phone since 6th grade and has seriously jaded me toward Alexander Grahame Bell’s little science experiment.
Both of these particular jobs were located in New York, so I should have known that they were too good for me. The first was at some company that I still have no clue what they do… I just applied through an online service and didn’t expect to hear anything from them. They, however, felt it appropriate to call me within 15 minutes of my resume being sent. It was a shock when I talked to the guy and he immediately fired questions at me like “Why do you want to work for MegaCorpConglomeraCom?” To which I was like “Uhh…” The best part of the interview by far, however was when he actually asked me, “Do you even know what you applied for?” To which I had to respond, “Not really…I thought it was a recruiting job where you get people jobs. I wanted to help people get jobs, because I know what it’s like to not have a job. Job. Job, job job…?” Then he was like, “We don’t get people jobs. We sell people jobs.” Then we kind of chatted and he gave me life advice, which I forget, and it was all over.
The second job was with this up and coming company called Alpha 411 (you may notice their ads on Facebook.) I actually had time to prepare for that interview, however, it all proved to be futile. I even had badass questions to ask and knew stats about the company. I was as prepared as I could be…which isn’t saying much…
So the call came in and some Emo Girl picked up the phone and was like, “Hey…[pregnant pause]” I was pretty confident before I heard her voice, but her tone pretty much killed me. You could literally hear the blade on her wrists and her eyeliner over the phone.
Me: Hey.
Emo: So what’s up? What’d you do today?
Me: I just went for a run then played some video games. Checked some email.
Emo: Cool. What games?
Me: Tomb Raider.
Emo: What kind of games do you like?
Me: Like puzzle/action games.
Emo: Oh…
[Biggest Pause of my Life]
Emo: So basically you ask me some questions and then I’m going to ask you some.
Me: Okay…
Emo: So questions?
I ask questions.
Me: I think that’s all I had.
Emo: Okay. My turn. Tell me about yourself.
Me: Like….what? Like, since birth?
Emo: Sure.
What ensued was probably barely intelligible as I blabbered about my life and high school accomplishments, the rowing team, Korea, etc…. I finally kind of spluttered to a stop and…
Me: I guess that’s it.
Emo: Cool. We’ll let you know.
The End of Tedd’s Chances at Alpha 411.
They didn’t let me know….but I assume after two weeks the dream is dead. I went back over the conversation and figured that they tell their staff just to find out if the person on the other end is someone that they would want to hang out with/is good on the phone. To which I probably didn’t score well in either category (Emo didn’t sound too into puzzle video games) so that was it.
Since that time it’s been insurance companies and going around to places in the mall in St. Louis trying to find anyone that will hire me. I currently have an app in the Express…
It doesn’t look good. I’m just praying it’s not a phone interview.
Episode VI: In Which Tedd realizes he is still a loser in circles of high school students
So my part time job is running this teen youth group. I am finishing this job up on the weekends while I’m looking for full-time work in St. Louis. I didn’t really feel qualified to take the job, but I was in the group when I was in high school and I got a call from my friend who was running it through the summer. Evidently the group hadn’t had a regular leader for a while and needed someone just to keep things going through the winter. I agreed and ended up the head of this group.
High School Tedd was an ugly thing to see. He didn’t really know his thumb from his defecation hole and kind of fumbled through high school trying to do everything and be liked by everyone without really developing a ‘personality.’ That paired with his voice that still hasn’t really changed and a kind of social anxiety disorder that causes massive pit stains to develop in awkward social situations, made him quite the stud muffin around Williamsville High.
Anyhoo, high school was kind of awkward time and not something I want to revisit, but I figure I’m older, more mature, more confident, I can deal with it. It has been nice because as the “leader” of this group I have a kind of de facto respect that has to be paid to me, regardless of the fact that most of the boys in my group can grow more facial hair than myself. And the kids have been really good.
Most of the time at the meetings I just kind of give a spiel, go over activities, and then let the kids practice the presentations they do for other schools. Prior to this weekend I hadn’t really ‘hung out’/gotten to know the kids that well. We had a couple meetings where I drove some of them to places so I got to learn more about them, but generally I just don’t talk to them much because…
Well, there’s some background required for this. Basically when I signed up for the job my boss was like, “Who’s going to be helping you run your meetings? We’d prefer if you got a girl to help you.” I asked her why I needed someone (hoping that my general incompetence wasn’t the main reason) and she kind of went into this awkward-closed-position and was like, “Well, uhhh…for liability reasons…” So basically they are afraid I’m going to make unwanted advances toward all the girls in the group…Awkward.
So basically I don’t really talk to anyone because I’m afraid I’m going to get sued for looking funny at someone at some point.
Well, that changed this weekend when we had our Christmas party and all the kids came to the meeting. After my little presentation it was free time and all the kids were working on these Christmas cards and playing games. I didn’t think it would be a big deal, but I went up to this group of kids and was like “Hey, you guys want to play Catchphrase?” Everyone just kind of rolled their eyes and was like “Uhhh….”
It was that point when I realized that I was like some social leech jumping on the fun wagon. I kind of staggered back for a second and then immediately went to the craft table and started pretending like I never had any intention of playing games, but had always been dedicated to the prospect of constructing a Christmas card from construction paper.
That night driving home I laughed to myself realizing I’m still an outcast in high school groups. In high school it had been because I was awkward and shy – Now I’m just creepy and old.
I’m kind of relieved I will retire my duties soon and will be able to just be awkward in my own age group. Or at job interviews. Either way people will have more facial hair than me.
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