Nana Tales Volume II: Plantain Edition
There’s this guy I work with who always gets put on the register with me. He pretty much hates my guts because I never have any idea what I’m doing. If you remember Henry from my work story several entries ago (Volume 6, subsection 14, article 7) you’ll get the idea. (I realized I never typed that story...oops...you didn't miss much).
“Danny, how do I run this card?”
“Danny, this won’t scan.”
“Danny, what do I do with this?”
“Danny, how do I do a charge send?”
“Danny, did you see Glee on Wednesday. I don’t know if I agree with the representation of physically handicapped children.”
“Danny, does this shirt make me look fat?”
The other day I was moved from the third floor to the second to do the register and who else would be on duty but Danny. I almost apologized because I knew I would ask him a question every thirty seconds.
“Danny, what’s the code for the sale?”
“Danny, how do you find the volume of a rectangular solid?”
It’s worthwhile to point out that I hardly ever have problems when I don’t work next to Danny. I almost when a whole 6 hour shift with out having to ask anyone anything…but put me next to Danny and you would think I rode the short bus’s little brother to work that day (for humorous irony see earlier reference).
In addition to being rendered an idiot when put next to Danny, or maybe because of that fact, they have made me start greeting… This is the toilet scrubbing job of Nana Sales Associates. No one wants it. I happened to get stuck doing it about a week ago and evidently did a good job. My manager walked by and said:
“Tedd…with your personality I bet you love this job!”
I smiled and agreed…because I didn’t want to get fired, but it’s clear this guy don’t know me. I think people are all right. People en masse….oh man. Hates it. …With Bangs! (Explanation to be given later). I go to the grocery store at 9 p.m. to avoid people, I’ve started reading books on trains so I don’t have to make eye contact with anyone, I took the job of Sales Support at Nana so I could fold clothes and hide out in a processing room…NOT so I would have to stand at the front of the store and hand people 25% off coupons and force them into interaction.
Although…
I’ve started to derive a sick pleasure from the job, because I am one of those people who avoids greeters at all costs. So it’s kind of fun forcing people into interaction and making them REALLY uncomfortable. Guys are the best because they really don’t like engaging anything without breasts. Middle-aged men are the crème de la crème of awkward greeting interactions.
“Hey! Welcome to Banana! 25% on all full-priced items today!”
Awkward middle-aged man ambles passed pointing to frumpy older woman.
“She’s the one! I’m here with her!”
As if coming into Banana were some kind of crime… Punishable by coupons.
Other than that life at the Nana continues on it’s awkward course…
Recruiting Tales Volume 16: Still Not That Interesting Edition
My other job is still…a job I do every day.
The highlight of this week was when my friend sent over a call.
“Hey, Tedd, this guy has some accounting experience.”
“Okay.”
Ring.
“Hey this is Tedd!”
“Hey Tedd…my name is Bob.”
“Hey Bob, I hear you’re interested in some accounting positions?”
“Yuh.”
“Cool. Can you tell me a little about your accounting background?”
“I don’t really have any, but I’m in school…I’m in an accounting class now.”
“… Okay. Why did you choose accounting?”
“Numbers.”
“…Okay. What kind of work experience do you have?”
“I build cabinets. I build them like real good, and my dad says they’re real good…the cabinets. He says the cabinets are good and I build stuff. But that’s all hearsay.”
“Uhhh… Hearsay, you say?”
At this point my buddy looks over at me and gives me the “How is he look” (with a knowing snicker attached). I just shook my head.
“Uhh…Bob, I don’t think we can help you any now with accounting.”
I also feel it necessary here to state that I won a contest we had at work this week. I had the most interview scheduled in our “Power Hour.” Yes, you may carve wooden images of me to worship. I don’t even know how it happened because I thought there was no way I could win. I don’t even like my job…how could I ever do anything successful? But then I was awesome.
That may have been the worst story ever written in this live journal.
DV2K10 For Beginners:
If you didn’t know, my friends and I went to Vegas last June…and it was one of the most fun weekends of my entire life. I drank a lot of Keystone Light and wrote a blog about it (Volume 15, Subsection 12, Article 3, Line A). Well, as one of my good friends and I are hitting the quarter century mark this January (Yes, Grandma, I know I’m getting old and should be married [See Thanksgiving Dinner conversation] but why when there still so much of Vegas to see??) we are celebrating in Dirty Vegas in 2010 (DV2K10).
As an introduction to those of you who aren’t going, I’m going to lay some groundwork so that you can start to understand the awesomeness of this event. To begin with some brief vocabulary that you can start inserting into your daily conversations:
To Make It With Whatevs: To survive; to come to the end of a trying and difficult set of circumstances and still be capable of respiring, esp. after heavy amounts of alcohol consumption.
I’m not worried about Uncle Pete in the Serbian prison camp, he’ll make it with whatevs.
With Bangs: colloquial phrase used to enhance whatever comes before it; modifier to the ultimate degree; usu. preceded by an ellipse to add tension.
After a long and fulfilling life of helping orphans and teaching people how to live I’m going to heaven…with bangs!
Dolla, Dolla, Bills!: colloquial phrase which is used to heighten the tension of a situation; a phrase of escalation.
I’m going to kill you!
Well, you know what I say? I say Dolla, dolla, bills!
Bang the Bangs!: A phrase to inspire, intended to push people to go above their normal limits.
I’ll never become President of the Republic of Congo!
You can! Just bang the bangs!
More to come…with bangs!
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