Section I:
If you’re wondering where the title of this blog came from, I have to say that your conjectures are absolutely correct...It is my username on MTV.com!!! I joined only to give suggestions to what Ryan Ross should name his new band. [If you don’t know who Ryan Ross is, award yourself 2 points.]
There are two random stories that need to be told before you even start to understand any of this. The first is about…
The Cadaver Dawgzzz
My friend and I both love music, so we follow a bunch of different bands and go to a bunch of concerts. It was my idea that we should start a band with all of our friends; the name would be The Cadaver Dawgzzz. There are a number of problems with this idea, the first of which is that none of my friends have any musical talent. I would, of course, play saxophone, while my friend could sing. The rest of the band positions were bequeathed based on random talent. My one friend said he was good at vibraslap [If you don’t know what a vibraslap is deduct 2 points], my other professed his talent for Guitar Hero. So right now the Cadaver Dawgzzz has a singer, saxophone player, vibraslap and someone who will play Guitar Hero Guitar (click-click-click-click). We also already have some songs that we will eventually write; these include, “Fone Ph**kkt!” and “I Love the Love You Love When You Love the Love of Love” (that’s trademarked). We also have a manager already, so if you were scurrying for that job, it’s taken. I only asked the girl to wear power suits and D&G sunglasses. It’s a lot to ask, but I think she has the talent to do it.
We’ll probably be on tour sometime next year. Look for us on the Pringles South America HARDCORE Rock Emo Champion Tour.
The model for our band is of course…
Panic at the Disco (! may you rest in peace)
My friend got the Panic Chicago live DVD for Xmas…and it is amazing. The best feature is one of the guitar players who does all the talking. This is Ryan Ross. He makes hilariously bland statements that go nowhere, i.e.
“Hey Guys! You guys like music? Our next song is a song…it’s got music…and words. It’s a rock n’ roll song. So yeah! You like rock n’roll? Yeah!”
Our favorite intro is to a song called “Behind the Sea” where Ryan peaks out on his banter. He’s like:
“Hey Guys! Let’s get out your cell phones and lighters! Swing them back and forth! Make it look like the sea! Or like Lake Michigan!”
So basically we have been doing the Ryan voice for the past two months, which means that in a faux-British-Rocker-accent we’ll say “Hey Guys!” and sporadically add “like Lake Michigan!” to the end of our statements.
Well, my friend and I got tickets to see Panic almost entirely based on the fact that Ryan would be the emcee and have lots of cool things to say. About a week ago, however, we found out that Panic is splitting up…and Ryan Ross is leaving the band!! [If you didn’t know this award yourself 2 pts.] This also means he won’t be at the concert we’re going to, which means Tedd might have wept in his bed for a full day grieving over the loss of such gems as “Like Lake Michigan!” and “This song is a song!” [If you thought this line was funny deduct 10 pts.]
But the great thing about all of this is the fact that now Ryan will probably be in a crappy band that will be cheap to go to and so we can hear him all the time!!
I guess he hasn’t decided on a name for the band though, so on MTV.com they asked for suggestions, which, of course, led to me creating a user name and posting three possibilities:
A) Peanut Excelsior
B) Cadaver Dawgzzz
C) Sparkle Donut
[If you think any of these are cool add 5 pts.]
Being as it is inevitable that Ryan will pick one of these, I thought you should get the edge on knowing what the next up and coming poppy emo band will be.
You’re welcome. [Please Subtotal your points from Section 1].
Section 2:
Meditations on Sexiness
The other day I got locked out of my apartment. Well, not really locked out, so much as stranded. I went for a run and came back to find that the maintenance guy had come to our apartment. The reason he was there was because my roommate and I had actually been locked out of the apartment and had no way to get in. The dead bolt was unlocking, but the doorknob spring had fallen out so that the clicky thing was lodged in the door. We had pondered what to do about the mess only long enough to decide the best and coolest method for solving the problem would be too kick the door in.
Which was done.
This also meant, however, that the door was completely busted and we needed to have it repaired. [If you’ve ever kicked in a door award yourself 10 pts.]
Well, the repairman came and I saw him and freaked out because I’m staying at my friend’s place illegally. Technically I have to sign the lease and have a background check and stuff, but out of laziness I never had it done. So for fear of getting my buddy in trouble, I awkwardly walked by the guy fixing our door, out the other door and got back in my car.
If you know me, you know that I’m a sweaty SOB, so after the morning run I was a mess. My shirt was soaked through and my shorts as well. I figured that the guy wouldn’t be there that much longer, so I could just drive around a little bit and come back. Which I did…but the repair guy was still there.
At this point my shirt and shorts were only moist, so I decided to go chill at a bookstore for a while and waste some time. It was only 10 am, so I figured it wouldn’t be busy and I could just peruse some magazines.
It was only after I got out of the car and into the store that I realized how much ass I smelled like. It was bad… My plan consisted of making sure I was the only one in a book aisle at any given time so that my stench wouldn’t disrupt other patrons. For some reason this proved to be really difficult. While looking at the new releases this one lady practically ran over me; at another point, this whole family almost trampled me in the religious book section. After about 45 minutes of avoiding people, I decided to just grab a magazine and check out.
I get up to the check out line and put my magazine on the check out counter and, the lady immediately starts flirting with me. It was pretty classic too:
“Oh, you like magazines.”
“Not really.”
I really wanted to just be like, “Really Lady? You’re going to flirt with me when I look like I’ve been hosed down by an elephant and smell like I’ve been rolling around in a pile of manure? This trainwreck attracts you?”
Maybe it’s a fetish. I checked www.hesmellslikeanelephantrubbedinmanure.c
A final word on sexiness, involves one of my friends. We were all watching “He’s Just Not That Into You” and it came to the part where the girl was like, “Pick 2 to describe me: cute, sexy, smart, funny.” [If you thought about what you would be add 2 pts.]
This immediately led to all of us asking which we were. My female friend asked me what she was and I said “Cute and Smart.” I asked her what I was and there was a long pause before she responded: “Well…you are smart.” We were drinking, so that’s about the most honest response I was going to get. I laughed for like twenty minutes.
But I guess I can’t expect to really fit into a game like that until SexyPandaDrunk is one of the categories available.
“Which am I? Pick two: cute, funny, smart, sexy, sexypandadrunk.”
Perfect.
[Please add your points from Sections I & II]
<10 pts = Sexy
10-15 pts = SexyPanda
15+ = SexyPandaDrunk
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