Grindr Chronicles

I'm always surprised by how many people don't know what Grindr is. To put it euphemistically, it's a gay “social application” for you to locate gay men that are close to you. It says how far someone is away and then you can put up a profile of what you are looking for. The best possible description is a billboard that use to hang in Boystown. In it, two hunky men are about to kiss and it says, “He's less than a foot away...”

The ellipses means a lot more than a kiss and dinner... If you know what I mean.

But I have actually found really great guys to date through the app. I actually do use it for the “social” purpose instead of the “bang it and slang it” direction others take it in. But there has definitely been some interesting interactions.

I. Synechdoche

I thought this one interaction basically encapsulates everything awkward about me dating online.

A guy messaged me and said, “Hi.” This is pretty standard for Grindr. You can get good convos going from there, but it's generally pretty tough. I only respond to simple, “Hi”s if the guy is really attractive... because I'm classy. So this guy says, “Hi” and because I'm a normal human being, I looked into his profile and found that he likes video games. So my response was:

“Nice! A gamer. What are you into?”

So I sent it.

And then thought about it.

It is common in the gay community for people looking for a sleeping partner (there will be lots of euphemisms in this entry) will simply put “Lookin?” in a message. This means: “Want to come over and engage in sexual activity?” “Lookin?” is by far the most popular, but there are derivatives of this that mean similar things, like “What are you looking for?” or “Why are you on this?”

My response of “What are you into?” definitely fell into the gray category of possibly meaning “Want to come over and do more than make out?” Even though I was talking about video games, it could easily be misconstrued to mean, “Nice! I'm randomly calling out an interest! Now would you mind if I tied you up and smelled your dirty socks?”

The guy, as previously mentioned, was cute, so I didn't want to seem like I just wanted to... you know... so, being awkward, I send another message:

“Hey! That last message wasn't supposed to be about video games, like what games are you into? Haha.”

Smooth, right? So I sent it.

Then thought about it.

And I think that maybe he thinks that I don't think he's attractive and am ONLY interested in video games and not an EVENTUAL...you know... But at this point I thought a third message of:

“Hey! I am interested in video games, but also like, you know.... so, like, I just think you're cute and am also interested in getting to know about your interests... :)”

Something like that may make me look NUTS. So I didn't send it.

For some reason this guy and I didn't work out.

II. You're Not a Trucker

A few weekends ago I got a message from a guy. In his picture he is in a flannel shirt wearing a John Deere hat. He was super nice, and he said he was spending his New Year's in a cabin going snowshoeing. It was nice to get a picture on Grindr that wasn't someone shirtless or a picture of some other unmentionables, but just an outdoor scene with the caption, “It's really nice up here!”

Right?

So, I thought regardless of anything this guy was nice and we had good conversation. He was older than me and there was none of the ambiguous crap that comes with talking to guys online. (See next section). He was like, “I'll be back in the city next week. We should get together!”

So we did.

I happened to be working from home all that week. It had been pretty laid back, but as we came out of the New Year, we started to get SLAMMED (caps are a thing in this entry...evidently...). I had expected a Friday of playing Mario 3D World and occasionally checking email. I got 6 new applications, new set ups, merchant questions, and a bunch of pings from my boss about outstanding files.

Fun.

I had set up a coffee date with John Deere guy and it was approaching time. I was swamped and barely had time to stuff a sandwich in my face, shower and throw on a hoodie and some dirty jeans before heading out the door.

I'm not super vain, but I like to at least look like I care. Usually I do my hair, an activity that takes roughly 3 minutes – rubbing some pomade in it, then a rapid hairspray job.

Because it was cold and I had to wear a hat, I didn't bother doing my hair. Usually going on a first date/meeting, I would definitely do this. A large part of my judgment in this particular case was the fact that the guy looked really dressed down. He's wearing a John Deere hat. He went snowshoeing. I was picturing a kind of burly guy in a Carhart jacket and a stubble beard.

I was like, “He's laid back; he won't mind that I'm dressed down for this.”

SIDEBAR:

I had told this guy to meet me at a coffee shop in Wrigleyville. It's this kind of cute place that has nicer coffee options and a cozy atmosphere.

So I thought.

I get in there to meet the guy and it turns out to be some sort of hipster library on Friday afternoons. It was DEAD SILENT. The only sound was people tapping on keyboards and the occasional clink of silverware on plates.

They served me a coffee and I sat down and just stared at everyone. I couldn't imagine having a first date in there. Can you imagine. EVERYONE would hear everything that we said. Every awkward thing we discussed: family, jobs, the kind of truck this guy drives, etc. would all be public record.

Luckily the guy texted me, “Hey running a little late!”

My response:

“Omg. You saved us. I'm going to chug this coffee and we can go somewhere else. It's so awkward in here.”

So I pounded an Americano in about three minutes, burned my tongue and sprinted out of that place.

Ain't no hipsters going to here my awkward first date conversations.

RETURN:

I get out of the coffee shop and am standing on the sidewalk waiting for this guy. About two minutes later I see a cab pull out and a guy gets out.

I just kind of stared.

He was not a trucker.

This guy was dressed to the nines in a long trench coat, scarf, designer shoes and had well-quaffed salt-n-pepper hair.

My thought process was something like:

1. Wow. This is some kind of Grindr miracle. He's actually better looking than his picture.
2. He looks like he walked out of a fashion magazine, and I look like I walked out of a trailer park.

So he gets up to the curb and we shake hands. We go get coffee.

It turns out that he has a ballin' job and hob nobs with New Yorkers.

That's right! Hob nobs!

So we get to the end of the meeting and part ways. It only lasted like 30 minutes because I had to get back to work and he had been running a little late.

I got on the train and was thinking, “What a disaster. I'm not even going to text him. Why bother? He's probably going to a cocktail party to tell everyone about the blond schlub that he met for coffee.”

To my surprise he texted me:

“Had fun! I can understand if you're not interested, but if you want to meet up again, that would be great!”

We did meet up again. We were getting drinks and he says, “You know I was shocked you wanted to get together again. When I got out of the cab I thought you shit your pants. You had this awful expression on your face. I thought it was my gray hair.”

This taught me two things (bullet numbers are also a thing in this entry):

1. We never know what someone else is thinking. We both thought we were train wrecks.
2. My “you're attractive” face is also my “I shit my pants” face. This may explain why no one ever hits on me at bars.

“I was going to talk to that blond guy, but I think he's actually having a bowel movement at the bar.”

So, if you see me at a bar and instead of a “come hither” look you see something more like a “my bowels are going thither” look, just know that's all I got. I'll try to incorporate a wink so it's a bit more obvious.

III. Synechode Part Two: I Don't Make Plans on Sundays

Another great feature of online dating is that it allows people to be as flaky and weird as they want! One more great interaction I had that serves as a reference point for all online gay interactions was a recent conversation string I had with a dude.

He sent me some pictures and we started chatting. It's worth noting that I don't really pull punches online. If you engage me in conversation you're going to get bad jokes and (what I believe are) witticisms. I don't filter. I R Who I R.

Well this guy and I had a great back and forth. He responded to my weird jokes like:

Him: It says you're 3 miles away. That's farther than usual.

Me: I'm in a hot air balloon. I'm actually directly overhead.

I actually tried to meet up with him twice. Once I said, “It'd be nice to meet up. What are you doing Sunday?”

Him: “I don't make plans on Sundays.”

I figured this was a blow off, but then he sent me some messages a bit later. We had more good back and forth and then he happened to mention that he had some friends who play volleyball. If you'll remember from previous postings, I play volleyball and am terrible. It turns out that if I had gone out after our volleyball game on Sunday, we probably would have run into each other.

More conversations.

Then this week I, again, was like, “You crack me up. It'd be fun to meet up sometime.”

Him: “Yeah. Maybe if you wouldn't avoid me on Sundays.”

Me: “Haha. It wasn't on purpose. But it'd be fun to grab a drink. You're fun to chat with.”

Him: “As are you, Mr. Hawks.”

Wait... What? I never tell people my last name on Grindr. If we meet up, then yes. But I don't even have my first name or any part of it in my profile. This isn't for any reason other than I was too lazy to create a profile, but it was still odd that he knew my last name somehow.

Remembering that he knew some volleyball people, I just assumed that he had figured it out from them. Although, why he was talking to them about me is weird also...

So, I just write back: “Haha. How do you know my last name?”

His response: ;)

A day later his profile was completely deleted. Gone.

What?! Like... Whuuutttt?!

I actually hadn't been creeped out when he knew my last name. Boystown is small. People know each other, but... why would he delete everything? Was that because of me? I hope not.

But now I have a fear that I'm going to be murdered and a hot air balloon is going to be carved into my chest.

People are weird. Grindr allows these freak flags to fly at full mast.

#ahneeahnuapp