#ahneeahnubar

Wasted

This past weekend I went to a comedy show with one of my friends, James. We drank some drinks, don't get me wrong, but I was by no means incapacitated or crazy. After the show we went to Holiday Club, the most awesomest place in Chicago, for dancing and some more drinks. The Club is this bar that's a perfect mix of hipster pool haul and weird divey dance bar. The back room is pretty tiny, but they play sweet 80's music on Friday and 90's music on Saturday.

James and I roll into (henceforward referred to as) Da Club and meet up with a bunch of his friends. All the friends kind of give me the eye. I'm not sure why. Then they start playing Footloose and I immediately head to the dance floor.

I like dancing.

Like.. a lot.

I don't have to be drunk to cut a rug, but when alcohol is involved it goes from an 8 to a 10 real quick. I can get low and like to shake my white, non-existent booty. I think I'm pretty good, because I have, on multiple occasions been complimented by African Americans on my dance skills. I hope that doesn't sound racist, it's just a general acknowledgment that black people are better at dancing and most things than white people.

Speaking of ethnic call outs...

SIDEBAR:

So I was at this New Year's Eve party with a bunch of my friends. After midnight the party was going full force. Most people were drinking a lot and the atmosphere was really jovial. I went up to the bar and this thick, farm boy just grabbed my arm.

“Hey there! I was looking for somewhere white and awkward to hang out with! Looks like it's going to be you!”

I was not in the mood, so I turned to the bartender and ordered another drink for me and my friend.

“Yeah, this is a great party. Where you from?!” The guy continues.

“Chicago.”

“Wow! Well, let me introduce you to my girlfriend...” Guy grabs girlfriend. “Hey, hon, this is my new friend...”

“Tedd.”

“Tedd! I told him I was looking for awkward white people to hang out with...”

“Have a good night!”

I promptly disappeared. And yes, I'm awkward and white. But not quite as much as that guy.

RETURN:

So I'm shaking it and dancing with James, when a girl runs through the crowd.

“TEDD!”

She reaches out to hug me and I'm like, “Oh my gosh... Erin?” Because in the dark of the club with a running female, I briefly thought it was another friend that had just moved to Chicago.

I was wrong.

“No. It's Janet.”

“AHHH!” I hadn't seen Janet in forever and so we were super excited. We chit chatted a bit and talked about a mutual friend. Then Janet's like, “Let's take a picture – not like you'll even remember this tomorrow...”

“Wait..what?”

So we take a picture and I realize that everyone thinks I'm completely wasted because I'm dancing and in a good mood, including James's friends who had given me the side eye.

After the picture James and I go back to the table where another one of his friends had joined up.

James goes, “Hey, this is Tedd.”

I stick out my hand and, as we shake, the guy I'm shaking hands with gives the girl next to him THE BIGGEST GAY SIDE EYE IN THE WORLD. Like, “Ohmigawd this blond guy is totally a trainwreck.”

I could tell not only by the BIGGEST GAY SIDE EYE IN THE WORLD but also because he and all of the other friends promptly turned away from me as soon as the greeting was over. We passed a few more awkward moments before I went out and started dancing again. After a few more songs I realized that it was getting late and I needed to get home because my Saturday event schedule started at 8 a.m. The next day.

As I'm leaving, I go to pick up my coat. I'm reaching for it when I realize that the booth it was laid on is actually elevated about 6 inches off the floor. So I literally trip and fall into the pile of coats. Guess who was there watching all this happen: THE BIGGEST GAY SIDE EYE IN THE WORLD. My face turned about 10 shades redder as even more side eye was thrown around. I climbed up to the train platform and immediately texted Janet with perfect punctuation and big words, to prove I wasn't wasted.

Dearest Janet, what an absolutely divine pleasure it 'twas meeting you in that establishment. I hope when our paths intersect again that we shall be able to spend more time in conversation about the ebbs and flows in our lives this past year. Until that time - Master Teddwick

#ahneeahnubar

A few months ago I met a group of friends out at a bar. I hadn't seen them in a while, but it was someone's birthday, so everyone was pretty gone when I arrived. I had brought a guy I was seeing at the time. Something happened at the bar and the guy just stormed out leaving me alone. This left me pretty bummed, so I grabbed a drink and sat in the corner by my lonesome. One of my friends, Patty, saw me alone and pointed at me.

“We should get summa air,” she said staggering in heels.

She grabbed my hand and led me outside. Her balance was a bit off, so she was kind of doing the blurry-eyed half-lean against the wall of the bar.

“Whatssa matter?” she asked fixing the strap on her dress.

“That guy,” I said. “It's nothing.”

“Yeah,” Patty said. “You know what? Ahneeahnubar.”

“What?”

ahneeahnubar \ah nee ah nu bar\ drunk white girl speak for “I need a new bar.”

“Yeah,” Patty went on, “I jusssa ruhly think-ahneeahnubar.” Then she turned at me, her drunk eyes focusing for a shining moment: “Imma think we-neeahnubar.”

“Yeah, I think we do.”

What followed could only be described as a version of Hamlet's To Be or Not To Be soliloquy had it been written by a drunk, middle-class white girl who had too much to drink at a gay bar:

“You know issa like like when you

ya know – guyz! - like guyz are always

they are so dumb and they are like the -

But really we jussa neeha get out uh herr.

It's like we jus' neeahnubar. We can go out

And we can have fun and forgiddabout da

guyz – you know? Like issa what friendz

r furr. You know when it gets tough you

jus' neeahnubar.”

We were kind of having a moment and so I was like, “Yeah, the guy and I just started dating. I don't know what happened, really, but it was weird -”

At that moment I looked up and realized that Patty was gone. She'd gone back inside. Luckily the bouncer hadn't heard my monologue to myself about this guy I had been dating for a week. When I went back in I didn't really feel like doing much, so I thought about leaving. Patty evidently forgetting about our entire conversation, was grinding on some gay guys in a conga line.

I thought about leaving then I realized that ahneeahnubar isn't about finding a new bar, literally. It's about locating that new bar inside of yourself when things are tough – when you feel like the world has got you down and -

Wait, sorry that wasn't what I was thinking. It was, “Imma get another drink and join that conga line!”

That would do Patty proud.