Of Verbs and Versas

Aggghhhhh I didn’t want to become it, but I did. I’m the guy who blogs about gay dating. And I hate myself for it. BUT IT HAPPENED!

Anyway, I’ve been on a lot of dates that have been a great times to giant ?, and while driving the 3 hours to my family’s home, the nerd in me couldn’t help but compare all my dates to verb tenses.

Yes.

Verb tenses.

Past

I only recently encountered the past tense date. Everyone mentions an ex or something at some point, it happens. But this guy was just taking me through Ex City.

Me: Why’d you get into running?

Him: Oh, my ex. He’s really into it and got me into it.

Me: Oh, the one you just broke up with?

Him: No that was another one.

Me: Oh.

Him: I mean the one I just broke up with, there was therapy. It’s hard leaving a Latino, you know. Like we’re in it 100%. I just want to call him sometimes. I’m finally getting over it. I was in NY for like 8 weeks last fall trying to get over it. But I am now. I’m over it. I barely think about it.

Me: Ahhhhhhhhh…

This guy also spent the week telling me he wanted to “cuddle.” At the end of the date when I tried to kiss him he said, “No. What are you doing?” Which, I would have taken as a rejection and been fine with, had he not texted immediately after the date and said, “So…when is a good time to cuddle?”

Maybe his ex was into that.

Present

Present tense dates are only interested in… You know.

GRRRRR.

Hubba-hubba.

Future Perfect

Of all the dates I’ve been on, this has been the most prevalent. I’ve dated guys for quite a while and not realized that this is what was happening.  Basically, on these dates, the guy is looking beyond you. Hiding behind your head in the restaurant is their Mercedes, boat, 500K Gold Coast Condo and you and him taking topless beach photos in Cabo. Your existence is just a blurry haze between him and his gay fantasy. He needs some kind of boyfriend doll to take with him on this adventure and if you’re pleasant enough, this could be you! You could be the bauble that accompanies him on vacations, fills the other side of the bed and is the person he tells other people about when relationships come up in casual conversation. Oh, you have opinions and want to talk about social problems and concerns? That’s great! You can share those at dinner parties where you will be serving as an accessory.

Example:

One guy I dated had face crème in his bathroom. I was like, “Oh! You’re fancy!” He picked it up and looked at me. “Yeah, it’s good. I have another one, do you want to take it?”

“Oh, no that’s fine.”

“No – you should take it.”

“Oh…okay.”

Forced laugh – “I don’t want you to look old next to me. Ha.” His forced laugh uncomfortably shifts to a glare of warning.

Awkward silence ensues.

Present Progressive

These are the most fun. And by fun I man humiliating. This is when you’re on a date and the date is continually looking past you and trying to find another guy to hook up with. I was recently out with a guy. To be fair the date was ambiguous… We went on a date and then didn’t talk that much. We had tried to meet up a couple times and then ended up meeting on a Sunday Funday via text. So…were we there for each other? My answer came when the guy brought another tall blond guy back to our group of friends, I was like, “Oh… I’ve been replaced.”

Present Perfect

This is similar to the Future Perfect just a little more intense. This is the guy who after the first date has planned your future together. Sometimes it doesn’t even have to be the second date, they have already projected all of their fantasies on you and decided what order your genetically engineered babies will be born in before you even meet. This is usually the easiest to avoid as attachment problems and craziness emerge promptly.

Future Progressive

I’m making this the ideal because I ran out of tenses without getting into like pluperfect and… let’s not go there. But, if I may shoehorn this, I think it kind of fits. Because a Future Progressive is someone who looks into the future, but not a boat-6-figure-salary future, so much as a tomorrow and the next day and the next day and the next day kind of future, a waking-up-next-to-you kind of future. 

And because it’s a sappy context, I’ll just say that the most romantic thing I’ve read in a long time was in the “Elegance of the Hedgehog” a few weeks ago. To paraphrase: The old concierge of an apartment building dresses up and is taken out to dinner by her date. As they are leaving the apartment some of the tenants look at the concierge and greet her as if they have never met her. She remarks on this and her date replies, “They didn’t recognize you. But I’d know you anywhere.”

Thanks for Nothing, Steve Jobs

I come off as an easygoing person, but at certain points I become as type-A and obnoxious as they come. This is most noticeable when I travel and have to be at an airport. I will be there super early – because I paid for a ticket and will not miss that plane.

Last weekend I was at a wedding in Tampa. I had rented a car and the last day of the trip went out to brunch with friends. Brunch drug on and on (as they tend to do) and pretty soon I had two hours to get to the airport before my flight left. I hop in the car, drive toward the airport, and find out that the airport exit is closed.

No worries.

I have plenty of time and will figure this out. It doesn’t take long for me to circle around to another exit, turn around on the interstate and head back the other way. The exit in the other direction is open so I’m flying high again.

If you are traveling to Tampa, it is worthwhile knowing that the lights last an EXTREMELY LONG TIME. Empires rise and fall in the period between a green turn arrow and the light actually turning green.

Well, I was low on gas, so I decided to turn around and fill up. In most places this would take about 5 minutes.

Not Tampa! In Tampa you age like that guy at the end of Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade as you wait for the lights to change. Then you turn around.

Then you get stuck at the light again.

Then you cross the intersection and have to turn around.

If, at this point, you’re concerned you haven’t waited at lights long enough, never fear, because you will get caught behind a mall exit lane and have to wait for 2 more light cycles before you can even get into the gas station.

It’s okay if you were feeling dry too, because suddenly the heavens will open up and it will be a flash flood downpour as you fill up the gas and then hop in the car.

You’ll freak out that the 5 minute gas junket turned into a 30 minute gas adventure.

Bu you’re close! So you wait for 2 more lights (yay!) before getting to turn back onto the main road.

Your Apple Map will tell you you have 1 mile before the turn, but there will be a huge green sign that suggests the airport is to the left after only ½ mile.

For some reason you trust Steve Jobs more than the Tampa city council who placed the sign, so you keep going straight and turn at the next light.

After turning, almost dying in a roundabout, then seeing a sign that says, “Cargo Road” you start to freak out as the Apple Witch says, “Dest-e-nation is on. Your. Right.”

Which is fine, because you actually mean “Abandoned Storage Shack” when you typed in “Tampa International Airport” into your phone GPS.

Well, it’s still raining and you’re driving a Nissan Versa, which wouldn’t survive a turtle shell toss in MarioKart.

But that doesn’t stop you from slamming on the gas and flying down the abandoned storage road at 60 mph as you curse Steve Jobs. When you come careening around the roundabout and a good citizen is driving the speed limit and you also begin to curse them and their stupid Altima.

After more breakneck speeds, turns, and panic as you see no airports around you, you finally see the rental car drop off sign ahead in the distance.

You did it!

And the rental guy is fast!

And the check-in is easy.

But…oh…. You got behind a family of 15 non-native English speakers who have to get through security.

You give them dirty looks, shove them forward, then come sprinting out of security to finally arrive at the gate.

WIN!!

Good thing that didn’t happen. Not one of those things happened because I left on time and followed the speed limit and love Steve Jobs and Nissan Versas.

But Tampa stoplights do suck. A lot.