Montage

#1 Workouts

For Lent I decided I was going to commit to going to the gym and being better at being a fit human being. Yes, this is actually starting after St. Patrick's Day as I can't actually be expected to not eat Shamrock Shakes. That's absurd.

But as part of my process, I got this pre-workout supplement. As far as I can tell it makes men who want a “good pump” turn into menopausal women. Now all I do is sweat all the time and have massive mood swings whenever the 3557907g of caffeine wear off at 7:30 a.m. That being said, I am very awake when I work out. I just hope I keep ovulating normally.

#2 Pretty People Win at Everything!

I was hanging out with some friends this past weekend and one of my friends ran into an EXTREMELY hot guy at a trendy bar. EXTREMELY hot guy knew him and says, “Well, I see you're starting to hang out with the right people and climb the social ladder.”

No, he wasn't watching a CW Drama; this was a real-life gay man in his late 20s who said this.

Also, important to note is this conversation took place at a bar that was having a shower/underwear party.

I heard this, three drinks deep and I say, “That guy sounds like a terrible person.”

I thought it was a pretty objective viewpoint.

Not so. My other friend turned to me and says, “Tedd, you're being kind of a bitch.”

Yes. Yes in this situation I am the bitch. I guess if I had more abs and a chiseled face then I could get away with more judgement. See why Lent has me working on #1.

#3 I'm Not Quitting My Day Job

I went on a date with a guy and he says to me, “You're really cute. You could, like, be a model.” An expansive pause followed, which was concluded with, “You wouldn't make much.”

I'm giving the guy the benefit of the doubt, but you should bookend a compliment with a weird pause and then seemingly contradictory statement.

“You smell great.” (PAUSE) “My sinuses are completely clogged.”

“Your smile could stop traffic.” (PAUSE) “Did that raggity coyote just walk into that intersection?”

I think they guy meant that modeling is a rough career and no one makes it. Also, people who actually look like models are terrible people (see #2). And I don't want to spend that much time on #1 – Lent's 40 days, people. By the time you take out Shamrock Shake season it's a cool two weeks. In all fairness, I could probably model Snuggies. Or Doritos. Let's go with Doritos.

#4 I Wrote a Book Have I mentioned that 1000 Times Yet?

The best part about me writing a book, aside from the $300 I made, is this picture. Are gay men shallow? Just ask the torso books flanking mine in the bestseller list. To be fair, the guy on #68 finally met the right people and has been climbing the bestseller ladder.

#5 Still Got It

I've officially given up on dating. I don't mean this in a dramatic, “I'll never find love, pity me!!” kind of way. I mean, it's exhausting and feels like work. I want to just relax and enjoy my time, not cram it full of dates. I'm also not really in the mood to do anything serious. And I, like Kelly Clarkson, I don't really hook up.

That being said, I was on Tinder... Yes. It's terrible. For those of you who don't know, Tinder allows millenials to be as shallow as possible whilst dating. You are shown people in your Facebook network and get to swipe left “No, thanks” or right, “I would date that (read: I would bang that).” I had been on it an entire month and not a single person had messaged me. Well, my friend Joe's friend (follow me people) just broke up with his b/f. This guy was on Tinder, we matched. I wasn't hitting on him, but I sent him a message. Something like:

“Hey, is Joe still a jerk at work?”

Response: “Haha. Yes.”

I don't like to read between the lines, but this guy's over-the-top interest in me is embarrassing.

This, yet again, reminds me of an exchange my friend had with a girl while we were in high school. I hadn't turned gay yet and he was trying to set me up:

Friend: “Would you date Tedd Hawks?”

Girl: “Totally! He just needs a different personality.”

#6 Airplane:

I was on an airplane and have no stories. They were the two greatest flights of my life.

#7 Haircut:

The haircut was not so amazing. I was getting my locks lopped off a few days ago and had a male barber. He was straight (!) but he had a way of starting conversations that was completely non sequitur:

“How do you want it cut?”

“4 on the sides and back – little off the top.”

“I totally broke my guitar yesterday.”

Wait what?

The guitar convo went on as if I had been the one who loved guitars.

“I got this great GUITAR BRAND here and then went to this thrift shop and almost bought this one guitar. You know. You know what I'm talking about.”

“No, I don't.”

“Well, last Halloween my girlfriend and I went as Ash and Pikachu for Halloween.”

Wait..weren't we just talking about thrift shop guitars?

#8 This entry is over.