I Went to Thailand Part II: Text!

John: The Tour Guide That Just Don’t Give a F#$k

I’ve been on a lot of tours in my day. This includes trips in Asia, Europe, Australia, and the U.S. That’s four continents of tours, and let me say, I have never had a tour guide quite like our tour guide, John.

John, to use a colloquial phrase, just don’t give a f#$k. At one point, Loren and I were thinking of climbing up some rocks near a waterfall. The climb was pretty steep and slippery and John came over to us. “You can climb. You fall – you fall.” He then took a drag of his cigarette and walked away.

John aside from being ambivalent to his passengers general health and well-being, also didn’t really put much time into planning his discussions while on the tour bus. He may have had a diagnosable case of Tourguide Autism, because he would get stuck on one piece of information and repeat it and repeat it and repeat it. For example,

“You should all go to the night market. If you go out of the hotel and take a left, you will be close to the night market. It’s just a left out of the hotel. If you walk out, turn left, you’ll walk a ways and get to the night market. It’s just a quick left out of the hotel. You can buy things and see some of the sights. It’s the night market. You can find it by going out of the hotel and turning left.”

I wish this were an exaggeration, but… It’s not. Also important to note is the fact that he never once explained what one could purchase at the night market or really where it was (aside from left…) and what the actual name of the market was. Another important bit of information he left out was the fact that the Night Market is housed in the same building as the Ping Pong shows and sex bars. The next morning was interesting when all of the middle-aged women whispered about seeing Thai ladies in thongs and bras dancing through beaded doorways all along the strip.

Tapioca was also a favorite topic. This John Classic began with the following exchange:

“Do any of you know where we get the tapioca from in the tree?”

Bus Silence.

John Silence.

Doesn’t one ask a question so as to get an answer or open a discussion with the answer? What kind of alternative, new-agey tour is this John?

The Tapioca Trend continued through all of day four. Never once did he describe what tapioca was used for, why it was so popular to grow, or really anything aside from his loop of:

“Tapioca is made from root. (Yes, he finally told us where it came from) If you eat it from root, you die. It’s filled with cyanide, you have to expose it to the sun so the cyanide is broken down. You get the tapioca from the root and its full of cyanide. The cyanide only goes away by exposing it to sunlight. When you get the tapioca from the root you have to be careful! It’s full of cyanide!” ad nauseum.

Tapioca day ended with John leaping from the bus, asking a tapioca farmer for permission, then wildly ripping up an entire tapioca tree so he could show us the root.

While I can’t really tell you anything about tapioca, at least John made sure that I knew it was full of cyanide, and now I know what it looks like being ripped from the ground by a 55-year old Asian man.

John’s final favorite topic was square footage of property he owned… Yes, that was also something he referred to at least four times in two days. He was using it as a jump off point to talk about Thai real estate, but the conversation never really got there. It got stuck at:

“You know Thai real estate has gotten more expensive. When I buy my house it was… It was about 10,000 – no 12,000 Baht. I buy the house and it have three bathrooms, two bedrooms, a nice kitchen. My son’s room about 8 by 7 – maybe 6 by 9? It have a nice porch with a patio. The patio is not that big, maybe 3 by 2.”

This conversation dragged on for thirty minutes as he discussed the exact layout of his house and his apartment that he bought to make extra money. Don’t worry, this conversation hadn’t bored any other tourists previously, I know this because he had no idea what his facts and figures were.

“My house maybe 500,000 Baht or maybe…more…. That equivalent to, maybe 500 million dollar – no… - haha! That maybe, like 18,000 dollar. I think, maybe it about…. No, it about 21,000 dollar.” This lively self-debate continued on for some minutes.

Another favorite episode of John Didn’t Plan It! was when he was talking about the King of Thailand.

“King of Thailand actual really good jazz musician. He write two very famous jazz songs. You know them. He write… (silence) I don’t remember.”

Not only did he disappoint with bus conversation, but he also had a knack for not preparing us for the events of the week, including dress for temples. When we showed up at one temple and 8 people had to scrounge up scarves, pants, and shawls to cover up their shoulders and legs to get in, the group was less than happy.

A concise feeling of the group came from one older white lady, who was…what I would call disgruntled in general.

“Sometimes John doesn’t really plan things out. He doesn’t realize his actions affect others. You know… He’s kind of an idiot.”

I feel it would be remiss of me to not mention that John did do some cool stuff, like takes us to tiny markets, a school, and some sights that are well off the beaten trail. He also told Loren and I to pull down a sign that said “Do Not Enter” and take pictures in an off-limits part of a temple. While some of these things may have gotten us all thrown in a Thai prison, it also made for some fun experiences.

That being said, I wouldn’t really recommend John for any tour other than one of his house. ‘Cuz girl knows every detail about that.

Revengeance of the Oppressed, Middle-Class, Middle-Aged White Woman

I know I’ve mentioned before that my time at Banana Republic taught me that the worst people on earth can be middle—class, middle-aged white women. For some reason this sect of human has a knack for being grumpy, mean, and condescending to a degree that other age, races, and genders can only ever strive to attain parity with.

This tour was no different. The amount of Lady-Rage present during certain parts of the tour was off the charts. I already mentioned the lady who flat out called John an “idiot,” along with her there was a general battle cry after we had had six days of Thai Food.

“What’s for dinner,” says White Lady 1. “You can take a good guess it will be THAI food!”

For some reason the older people on the trip didn’t really realize that WE WERE IN THAILAND. Yes, we are eating a lot of Thai food. And yes, you’re an idiot if you think this is somehow an affront to your enjoyment of the tour.

I mean, can you imagine going to a cereal factory and be given a bowl of cereal, only to say, “Oh brother! Cereal!” What?

Along with forgetting the whole I’M IN THAILAND thing, these ladies also failed to remember that WE ARE IN A TROPICAL CLIMATE. Thankfully, during most of the tour we had cloud cover, which kept a thick blanket over the seething rage that erupts from White Ladies who begin to break a sweat on a vacation.

Poor John wasn’t so lucky on Day 5 when we took a tour of a summer palace. It happened to be 90 degrees and there was almost a mutiny.

As John was standing with all of us in the shade, describing the architecture of the palace, one of the White Ladies tottered passed and just yelled, “Let’s keep it moving! It’s hot!”

Lady! If you hate the heat and Thai food, why didn’t you stay home?! Go to McDonald’s and get a cappuccino because that’s the kind of cultural exposure you deserve with this attitude of yours.

That being said, it’s also worth mentioning that along with breeding some of the most vile sort of person, White Ladies can also be of the most compassionate and caring variety.

When Loren sprained her ankle slipping on the bus stairs, a line of the old matriarchs was lined up with health advice, ice, and ibuprofen.

*Warning this next bit is probably offensive to everyone

Our tour group split into two groups after about 6 days in. Half of us were shipped back to Bangkok and the other half were continuing on with John to see some more temples to the north. This led us to getting a new tour guide, an androgynous-looking female named Ronnie. Because her name is Ronnie and I have seen the following:

She will hereby further be referred to as Shy Ronnie. So Shy Ronnie turns out to be an immense improvement over the WTF tour leadership stylings of John. She said helpful things and explained history and avoided the topics of tapioca and square footage of rooms in her house.

But Shy Ronnie also decided that she should address the issue of transgendered peoples in Thailand. I feel it necessary to reflect her tone and grammar (see above note about being offensive) because it was like a Michael Scott from The Office leading a gender discussion in broken French.

“You may heah in Thailand we have many of da Lady-Man. In Thailand we no afraid of Lady-Man like in America. The Lady-Man have feelings. The Lady-Man have dreams. I work for long time for Lady-Man.”

I don’t know what kind of PR nightmare the US has on its hands in terms of transgendered peoples, but evidently Thai people think that we still debate whether they belong to the human species. We ask ourselves questions like: Does the Lady-Man breathe Oxygen? Does the Lady-Man really eat locusts in order to complete their transformation from Male to Female? Because of their more muscular thighs and calves, do Lady-Men have an easier time in heels?

I mean… what? “The Lady-Man have dreams.” Is that something that we didn’t know? Also, if Thailand is so open why is their no politically correct term for “The Lady-Man”? These questions and more ran through my head as I put my head between my legs and tried not to laugh out loud on the bus thinking of Martin Luther Lady-Man giving her famous “I a Lady-Man and I have a Dream” Speech.