Toilet Retribution

Potty Justice

I made a lot of fun of the people that used my bathroom at work. A lot. And it didn’t let up after I blogged about it, which I thought would inevitably lead to a bathroom devoid of awkwardness and urination in the dark.

But it didn’t.

And after that blog post there were more puddles, and more nocturna-urination. Case in point, the time I was singing One Direction (“Kiss You”) to myself as I entered the bathroom. Imagine my surprise when I flipped on the lights and was met with the steely gaze of the 60-year old man from down the hall.

“Hello.”

“GUUWWHHHHAAAAAHHHAAA!....Kissyou….”

Then of course there were additional oddities, like the guy on his cell phone, talking loudly, who literally said, “Hold on a minute,” as…I assume… He put his phone under his ear and started tearing off toilet paper to wipe. Wipe. Like run your hands between your nook with a thin piece of paper to collect follicles of feces, wipe. Then, only to pick up his phone and resume a conversation.

Yes.

But then one day, my last week of work at my old job, I walked into the bathroom. The lights were on, someone was going #2, and the all was right with the toilet-world.

Well… I don’t think this is just a me thing, but it might be, in which case I’m still going to speak as if it happens to all men.

Sometimes, once trowel is dropped and the sequence is initiated, you don’t…really…know 100% the direction that things will happen. It happens for me like 1/60.5 times (no…I…like…I don’t have a urinary diary) and in this case the stream, if you will, can take on a mind of its own. Well, on this day, my stream had just gotten off a three-day bender and decided to shoot laterally.

So I was at the urinal, me and the little guy facing forward, and when lift-off happened, the stream shot sideways. Completely 90 degrees, hit the wall of the stall, and started dribbling down it. Remember there is someone in the stall, and that liquid makes a noise when it hits a fiberglass wall and starts dripping.

This led to panic and a “GUUWWHHHHAAAAAHHHAAA” a blind groping, a wet hand, and I’m sure ended up with a blog entry from the guy who was minding his business under the stall.

“Gawd, it happened again in my bathroom at work. Guy with Weak Prostate tried to shoot me through the stall door!”

Let’s hope as few people as read my blog read his.

Korea, Still Awkward 5000 Miles Away

I had an acquaintance who knew someone who had a friend who is going to Korea for a study abroad thing. The friend of the guy wanted to know if I would talk to him briefly about what to expect, since I did go there and know…things?

Well, I agreed and met with the guy and the mutual friend. We talked for like twenty minutes and it was really fun to talk about Korea again. It always shocks me when people ask if the Korean police are rough. Seriously? Most of them are 18. At one point we saw two male police officers, probably 120 lbs a piece, walking hand in hand down the street. In Korea that’s not gay – that’s just bros being bros. And yes, they’re in charge of keeping the peace. Luckily in Korea the worst that can happen is an old man yells at you and runs away.

After the conversation the guy going to Korea left because he had an appointment, and the other girl stayed.

The guy was young and white, which, in Korea, means that you will be “hott.” I’d forgotten to mention that the bar scene can be kind of weird and girls can be aggressive at Western Bars, so I quickly asked his the friend if the guy had a girlfriend.

This wasn’t meant to be awkward, This was meant to be a segue into kind of an awkward conversation about how some Korean girls kind of go nutso over foreign guys.

“Does Alex have a girlfriend?”

“Ummm…” The look on the girl’s face immediately made me think… “FUUUUAAAARRRRKKK”

She goes on: “I don’t know…you know…I should…but….I just…you know I want to ask, but I don’t think I should ask, but do you? Do you think so? I mean you…you know….do you think? I shouldn’t ask. I don’t know. His friends were asking me about it too…”

I was obviously the only homosexual this girl had talked to in a while, as the panic was immediate. And I would be no help. Despite my own orientation being firmly Homo-North, I have absolutely no gaydar. And this guy acted like a gender-confirming male – no pink, no lisp, no fabulocity.

Then I started to panic thinking she was thinking that I thought he was hot or something. So then I start getting awkward.

“No, like, I mean he’s a good-looking guy, but not like THAT good-looking, you know. But I just…uhhh… I meant that the bars… Uh can be aggressive and just… tell him … to… not…be…surprised.”

This was followed by a huge awkward silence for both of us.

Yikes: still go it.

iShame

For my new job I got an iPad. There is no reason for me to have an iPad. Last year at the Chicago Autoshow, I saw all the floor models with iPads. They, their good looks, and their Associate’s degrees in Marketing stood around and touched the screen to bring up each car’s stats. You know what also could do this? A person’s memory.

“How many horsepower?”

“Well let me use the iPad to bring up a list of stats. Isn’t this so 2012?!”

That being said, were I to be lined up with these people in order of necessity of having an iPad, I would be last.

But I’m going to use it. For… I don’t know what you use one for other than reading books. I recently joined a book club in Chicago and discovered that some of the books we read are free if you download them, so I have been doing that to avoid paying any money.

The first time I downloaded a book and put it on the iPad, I decided that I was going to read on the train. I got out my bag and slipped my hand into my bag and I suddenly realized.

“Oh, gawd. I’m that guy. I’m the guy on the train with the iPad.”

I had a mini existential crisis as I wondered whether I should pull it out. Would others judge me as I judge people with an iPad? For some reason, I view Kindles as completely different. They cost 70 bucks and let you read books. An iPad… What do you even use it for? It’s a giant iPhone that does what an iPhone does… But bigger! There’s nothing douchier than a guy walking on the train, headphones in, watching Transformers 2 on an iPad. (That actually happened. He had to be the Emperor of All Douches.)

I sat and wondered for a few minutes. Then I thought that maybe I should make sure everyone knew that I wasn’t an iPad guy.

“Oh, I’m reading on this iPad, but I’m not an iPad guy. I got this from work! Definitely not a guy who would buy an iPad, though. No way.” It would be tough to say that to all 100 people on my train car, but maybe I could get a hat or sweatshirt that has “I didn’t buy this iPad” on it.

I finally did get it out and started reading, only to think of how stupid it was that I was worried about being an iPad guy. I mean, I do keep the thing in my lap and hunch over so that the iPad is obscured, but I still read on it.

Then one day last week I had a meeting with someone. It was just three of us and she brought in an iPad mini.

The other person in the meeting was like, “Oh! An iPad mini – do you like it?”

The other woman said, “Oh, I didn’t but this. It was a gift. There’s no reason to have an iPad. I just use it for reading.”

To which the other woman responded: “Oh! I know – I would never buy an iPad. I have one for work, but it’s silly to buy one.”

I was dying inside. We’re all afraid of being iPad people. Don’t worry, though, I’m not going to let the iPad change me. I’m still going to believe in Jesus rather than Steve Jobs, and take notes with pen and paper instead of on my iPad. I won’t be like the guy I saw at Starbucks who took out his iPad, the power cord, a keyboard, a keyboard stand, an iPad stand and a mouse to use his iPad to type, when just bringing a laptop would have saved him 20 minutes.

No. I will not be that guy.

Blogged from my iPad